To quote Tom Lichtenheld, “A road trip is a way for family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
Let me tell you a little story about what I hoped would be an fun holiday outing and how it actually turned out.
When will we ever learn there is nothing like a perfect Hallmark Christmas road trip?
My sister and I had a bucket-list item to go see a famous comedian (Michael Macintyre) if he ever came to Ontario.
Here’s how I thought it would go:
I was thinking we would grab a hot chocolate in a festive cup for the road, and maybe a cookie.
Then, we would turn on the Christmas music and have a singalong whilst recounting stories of holidays past.
Have you driven on a 400-series highway lately?
There is no time to do anything but focus on the road.
None of what I’m about to tell you is embellished for storytelling purposes, either.
My passenger’s tinsel was truly in a tangle.
Sister: “Do we have a full tank of gas, emergency kit and windshield washer fluid?”
Driver: “Yup, all set.”
Sister: “Those cars ahead are merging ... merging ... MERGING!”
Driver: “I know I can see them. They have to merge with us. We’re fine. We’ll just stay in our lane.”
Sister: “I think they’re braking ahead.”
Driver: “OK.”
Sister: “It says construction ahead. You better slow down.”
Driver: “I’m watching. I have to keep up with the traffic. It's safer.”
Sister: “Is the GPS going to tell us where to go?”
Driver: “Yup, it's set. If we have the right address, it should get us there.”
The exit we needed to take was closed for construction and that’s when the real fun began.
Sister: (insert high-pitch squeal)
Driver: “What?!”
Sister: “I felt a bump.”
Driver: “Well, please don’t scream unless death is imminent.”
Sister: “Well, I’m sorry, but everyone is driving too fast.”
Driver: “I know, but we’ll just worry about us.”
Sister: (insert screaming) “OMG ... that’s a one-way! Oh, sorry. No, it's not. Carry on.”
GPS lady: Recalculating, recalculating.
Sister: “Can you shut her up? She’s driving me insane.”
Driver: “Just ignore her. I can’t stop the navigation while I'm driving. I don't know how."
The sister proceeds to turn the volume down on the radio.
Driver: “That’s not the volume control for the GPS. It won’t stop her.”
Sister: “Well, she’s taking us the wrong way now. Her voice annoys me.”
Driver: “Just ignore her.”
Sister: “Why are that car’s headlights so bright? I’m blinded. That should be illegal.”
Driver: “I don’t know. Must be some new kind and they are burning my retinas.”
After many detours, we located the concert venue.
By now, any sense of goodwill has given way to the time-honoured traditions of the familial pushing of buttons.
Sister: “You were driving weird just to upset me.”
Me: “I wasn’t. You need to calm down.”
Sister: “You need to calm down. You’re not nice.”
Me: “Neither are you.”
There may have been some tears shed.
Sister: “Sorry, I was scared.”
Me: “Me, too. We’ll be fine. Sorry, too.”
We went inside to enjoy a comedy show. Laughter is good medicine.
Could I have used a glass of wine or 10? Yes, but I couldn’t have a drink as we still had to drive home.
Let me honestly say none of what she complained of was incorrect. Drivers do speed — they are too aggressive passing on both the left and the right, tailgating and not paying attention.
It was stressful and scary.
We made it safely home and have since laughed about the adventure.
Will we do it again? Heck, no!
Just a word to the wise: If you are a nervous passenger, it does not help to make loud proclamations like “my life is flashing before my eyes.”
Please ensure you take a deep breath, buckle up, wear goggles and a muzzle if you must, but do not engage in overly dramatic outbursts.
Get in, sit down, shut up and hold on. The life you save may be your own.
