Comedian Jerry Seinfeld was the inspiration for Driving Die-alogues created by Hospice Huronia.
Debbie Kesheshian, executive director of Hospice Huronia, and Tammy Vater, the supportive care coordinator, were trying to think of a way to normalize conversation around the often taboo subject of death and dying.
They decided to follow Seinfeld's model with his show Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, where Seinfeld picks up a fellow comedian and they have a chat while going for coffee.
"Tammy and I thought let’s go for a drive and have a conversation that is just normal and human. Her and I ask a question and we go back and forward with open dialogue," says Kesheshian.
A year later, the duo have created approximately 30 short videos posted on YouTube and the Hospice website and they plan on creating more.
Sometimes the duo use the Death Deck, a deck of cards, each one with a question around a death and dying issues and sometimes they have a passenger who educates them about an issue.
One time they brought in Joanne Byrick, a hospice volunteer who leads the Parents Circle, a group of parents who seek understanding, guidance and support after the death of a child. The question to her was 'What do you say and what do you not say to a neighbour or friend who has lost a child?'
"Talking about death and dying is difficult," says Vater. "People are reluctant to talk about it because it makes them feel uncomfortable.”
So what happens is people avoid talking about it and then when the person dies, the family is left not only with the grief but difficult tasks to figure out with no direction, Vater explains.
One of the goals of the Driving Die-alogues is to normalize conversation about the end of life, so that the dying person can voice their final wishes, get the best symptom management and develop a plan for the family to follow after their death.
Taking advantage of hospice programs can be a part of that. It all starts with an initial visit. Vater is an RPN who has studied Thanatology, the study of death and dying. She's also a hospice nurse.
Vater's role is to be with people from the initial visit to help them navigate and answer questions, She provide comfort and support for people to make sure whatever time they have left is as good as it can be.
“People aren't necessarily afraid of death, they are afraid of the death and dying process," says Kesheshian.
“Am I going to be in pain? Am I going to be short of breath? Am I going to be a burden to my family?”
Hospice does home visits wherever home is. It can be their home, hospital, retirement home or nursing home or it can be an admittance to the five-bed hospice.
Medical treatment and intervention has come a long way in the last 10 years. Symptoms and pain can now be managed much better than in the past, says Kesheshian.
“The biggest thing for us with the Driving Die-alogues is to break up the conversations, humanize it and laugh about certain things. Life is joyful," she says.
"Death. I know that is a hard concept to understand but when you sit with people who are dying, you can say what you need to say. It’s a gift. We can know that person right up until the end."
The second goal of Driving Die-alogues is talk about grief.
"Grief is a normal human reaction. When you love someone and you lose them, you will grieve. It’s unfortunately the price we pay for love,” says Kesheshian.
Hospice offers bereavement support where people can come and talk about their grief without judgment and find a way to remember and honour their loved ones while also continuing to live their lives. They have adult and children's grief groups.
Grief can put people in a dark hole and they can have suicidal thoughts, said Kesheshian. Hospice Huronia's grief groups have helped keep people alive.
"They often say, You saved me," says Kesheshian.
A good resource is the book Hope for the Best, Plan for the Rest: 7 Keys for Navigating a Life-Changing Diagnosis by Dr. Sammy Winemaker and Dr. Hsien Seow. Winemaker has been a passenger, giving snippets of helpful information, in more than one Driving Die-alogue video.
For more information, call Hospice Huronia at 705- 549-1034, visit the website, hospicehuronia.ca, or visit the hospice at 948 Fuller Ave., Penetanguishene.
